I’m being abused since 2002. I have to live at my mother’s house, though I’m 18, and cannot move out, cannot attend school, cannot drive a car, and can barely function in the world. I can’t go to the mall, have issues watching tv, and so on.
My aliments consist of: Hourly panic attacks, muscle spasms, unfamiliarity with my limbs, hallucinations, vertigo, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, constipation, diarrhea, migraines, distorted vision, hearing voices, insomnia, paranoia, fears of being put in a psyc ward, zero appetite, zero sex drive, depression, bipolar disorder, pstd, confusion, memory loss, inability to retain information gained within a matter of seconds, feeling detached from my body/feeling unreal, anxiety, severely decreased cognitive functioning, sleeping for days at a time, body aches, Dissociative Identity Disorder, and so on.
Obviously I’m sick, I’;ve been dealing with the depression, anxiety, and bipolar with lexapro for two years, which it worked, after trying over 50+ other antidepressants, literally. Now it no longer works, and tapering off it has put me in they hospital a numerous amout of times from withdrawl severity.
Though I have a great boyfriend, whose only flaws are laziness, smoking, and drug abuse (reason: abused as a child, SEVERLY, but afraid to seek help), he takes care of me, all of the time, for 9 months now, he loves me and so on, he’s a real sweetheart. But I wonder how long it can go on like this. If worry one day he’ll stand up and say he’s had enough. I mean he’s young, he’ll want a family in the next few years, I don’t think playing doctor to his wife and children and working two jobs to support us was in his game plan.
Nonetheless, though my grandparent’s and mother’s pleading to come home many times a week to be taken care of (because they dislike my boyfreind for not being rich, and talk behind his back to me, it’s disgusting), it has been chaos.
Sure, my mother will run me to doctors appointment and bring me food when I’m too weak to stand and get out of bed, but I doesn’t feel worth it with all the abuse.
In the past few years, the circle of abuse, consiting of my 13 yr old borther and mothe and I had been physical, less so now a days. But emotional always. That is tremendous. I come home crying to my boyfriend all fo the time, suicidal with frusdtration.
Last night, I was incapaciated on my mother’s sofa, 102 fever, unable to use the rest room, moaning and shaking with a migrane. My brother turned on all the lights, would not assist me, and cussed and yelled at me for an hour, through the splitting headache, telling me that it’s all in my head, that I’m a faker, and he know best because he’s a 13 yr old docotr apparently. Then when I cpmplained to my mother, she ran to Walmart at midnight to buy him a violent game for his playstation. "Oh, shush, he doesn’t mean it, he’s just cranky. He has no father to be around. Feel bad for him," she says, "I don’t need stress, just let him play his game and he’ll leave you along." I instantly told her that this tells him that it’s okay to cuss me out, and her out, and he will be rewarded in return (which ALWAYS happens). She will not admit to this fact, and by doing so she is abusing my by ignoring my feelings.
Even last week, which is a common occurance, my brother called my mom a fu–ing sl-t, cu-t, co-k sucking who-e, etc. And later she took him to the mall for very expensive shoes. (What the hell?) He’s also very bipolar, very truant, does poorly in school like I did, isolates himself, has weight issues, hates his life, is very materialistic, vulgar, and crude, and is emotionall unstable with frantic outbursts resembling autism or ADHD. Though my mother says he’s just askign up for attention. This is every day!
She’s so afraid of conflict because her ex controlled and abused her for 18 yrs, she won’t see a psychiatrist or even talk to me through any of our problems, won’t even take motrin for a headache, because I belive she thinks it will mean she’s crazy. But she’ll make me try any pill under the sun.
All the time, the three of us gang up on one another and cuss and scream and fight and yell and threaten one another, all of the time. I can’t handle it. And then we bottle up all of the emotions because my mtoher won’t address the situation and take my advice.
I plead and beg, even scream, "please, please talk to me, if not about your problems of your sons, but mine," she’ll scream, and yell, or leave, not wanting to be bothered, both of them claiming all issues are coming from me, that I "start up trouble," and that we everyone should go to their own rooms and not speak to one another.
I belive all of us, incling me, would have way less stress if we sorted out the issues. I wish I had a therapist, I wish they would come with me. I hate being emoptionallty abaused by them. And I even retaliate in defense, but it always gets rewarded.
I tell my mother that I don’t love her, and